【EROTICISM IN THE EVENING SUN】

Mashable bites into a creamy,EROTICISM IN THE EVENING SUN nutty, gooey, and sometimes stinky world during our first-ever Cheese Week.

From the childhood nostalgia of a cheap boxed Kraft to elaborate family traditions at Thanksgiving, mac and cheese is pretty damn near the perfect food — a sacred, precious dish; the holy grail of comfort food. Which is why we have a very serious issue to talk about today.

There have been a number of reports of hooligans committing most heinous crimes against our beloved dairy dish. Who did this? Is it the lactose intolerant? The vegans?

We're digging into the worst crimes against mac and cheese. It's not pretty.

Sure, we're not the first food critics on the case. There are entire Facebook groups dedicated to terrible recipe attempts. Cooking tutorial reaction videos are practically their own subgenre on YouTube. Twitter is always chomping at the bit to roast you and your dry-ass mac and cheese. If you've committed a MACC (Mac And Cheese Crime), you'll be sniffed out faster than you can say "cheese."

We'll present the evidence, you act as judge and jury. Do any of these cheese fiends deserve to be defended? Or should they be put in cheese jail forever? You decide.

Exhibit A: Brands gone rogue

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Before we get to the amateur chefs (and the pros who shouldabsolutelyknow better), let's turn our investigation toward a diabolical mashup between brands. In 2016, co-conspirators Burger King and Cheetos teamed up for an unholy matrimony of fast food debauchery, Mac n' Cheetos. Under Mac and Cheese Law, we respect friedmac and cheese. But this is just greasy, Cheetos-dusted disrespect. Only consume while deep, deepin a hangover.

Exhibit B: Dorm-made would've been better

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There are just so many layers here. The sad splattering of pasta under the heat lamp. The choice of penne as opposed to, you know, macaroni.Andthe goddamn barely melted Kraft singlesjust haphazardly tossed on there, like a gentle blanket of artificial flavor. I'm disgusted. I'm revolted. College dining hall food isn't always good, but this looks like an alien tried to replicate mac and cheese from oral history alone. It's somehow worse than some broke dorm-made meals.

Exhibit C: Under the influence

Chef Henny's YouTube series has a simple premise — Step 1: Start making a recipe. Step 2: Replace almost all ingredients with Hennessy. Step 3: See what happens. Your body will begin to convulse in horror as you watch him add Henny instead of milk, more Henny to the cheese, Henny ontopof the baked mac. At least this mess was intentional. Unlike someculinary criminals.

Exhibit D: Dry, crusty, and dusty

Food Network, we thought you were better than this. We look to you for guidance, for expertise in our hour of dinnertime need. And what do you give us? Dry, unseasoned, unboiled noodles, baked in a sheet pan, with dry, unseasoned breadcrumbs on top. Why would you disrespect the creamy, gooey integrity of this dish? You deserve to be appropriately roasted, unlike this mac and cheese.

Exhibit E: Avocan't believe you've done this

I'm a simple millennial — I like my mac and cheese cheesy, and my avocado on toast. But not like this. Never like this. I understand if you're trying to be health-conscious, I really do. But some comfort food dishes can never be replicated with wholesome ingredients (coconut oil? skim milk? almond flour? Those almonds did not die to become this casserole.) I want my mac and cheese to clog my arteries with decadence. PopSugar's recipe is like Green Goddess gone wrong.

Exhibit F: You need "adult" supervision to make this mac

This one is a double dose of mac whiplash from Kalen Reacts, who is well-versed in responding to crimes against a variety of food items. His colorful commentary lends the perfect narration to our head-scratching, fist-shaking, voice-raising emotions about these mac and cheeses. The "adult" mac and cheese completely fakes you out with the seemingly appropriate cooking technique (making a roux, using the pasta water, etc.). But the cheese choice goes completely off the rails ("Wait, Parmesan as in the gratedParmesan? That come in the green can? Next to the Velveeta? In aisle 7?") Someone call 911, I want to report a mac murder.

Exhibit G: The serial offender

Food Network, are you serious? Again? We're going to have to fine you if you keep up these blatant violations of mac and cheese purity.

I think we can all agree that mac and cheese has a sacred seat at the side-dish table during Thanksgiving. Roasted veggies may sit alongsidethe mac, but adding them in is just cruel. I guarantee that if you're the one in charge of bringing the mac and cheese and you roll up to Thanksgiving dinner with a sheet pan full of this nonsense, your mac privileges will be indefinitely revoked.

Exhibit H: Put that chocolate back where it came from, so help me

There's a reason why there are chocolate fountains, and separate, delicious, melted cheese fountains. They are each beautiful in their own right. But for the love of god, what did mac and cheese (or chocolate) ever do you to you to think of forcing them together like this? You're not only a traitor to mac and cheese, but to Trader Joe, whose products you've desecrated — he would not have wanted this.

Exhibit I: Cracking open a cold cheese with the boys

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If I have to watch a bartender start mixing up some powdered cheese in a martini shaker to make these "Kraft" cocktails, I will tackle them to the ground myself. Sure, these abominations — like the "Mac-tini" — are the brainchild of comedy site Above Average. But it's not funny when the image of a bubbly, wet noodle can only be erased with some realbooze.

Exhibit J: SpagheDON'T

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Food Network, this is the FINAL STRAW! I can't believe we have to write you up thrice, but it looks like you just can't help yourself. The crime committed here is all in the title itself, which is incredibly misleading — this is not a mac and cheese. It is, at best, a cheesy seafood bake. Because mac and cheese certainly does not, and never should contain, spaghetti. Not to mention that the only valid seafood/cheese combo is lobster mac and cheese, and you can quote me on that. Lock 'em up now, boys.

While these may be the worst offenders, they are certainly not the onlymac and cheese offenders out there. So before you break out the pots and pans, please take a second to review the rules of mac and cheese — your cheese and noodle choice matters, think before you bring in outside ingredients, and cook responsibly. Respect the mac, and the cheese, please!