【Secret Sex Society (2018)】

Sean Spicer resigned as the White House's Communications Director on Secret Sex Society (2018)July 21, proving many analysts' predictions correct.

Spicer's legacy, a seemingly endless string of flubs and mistakes in just six months, will surely live on long after the Trump administration is out of power.

Like many businesses, the White House HR department conducts exit interviews with departing employees. We've been lucky enough to receive the transcript for Mr. Spicer's, and have published it below:

Why Are You Leaving Your Current Position?

First thing's first, I was never told I would have to be on camera. When I was hired, President Trump called me and asked if I would "do communications for [him]." That's an exact quote. I said sure, I can answer phones or help set up Skype calls or whatever. So I come in on day one wearing board shorts and a T-shirt and Reince Priebus stops me in the hallway and says, "Hey dipshit, you're on camera in four minutes, what in god's name are you wearing?" I was like, "On camera for what?" And he goes, "For the President, you stupid idiot" and I was like, "I'm terrified of public speaking and I don't know anything about politics," and he's all, "It doesn't matter, none of it matters." Luckily, Reince had his huge nephew's suit on him and let me borrow it so I didn't look stupid up there. Reince's nephew is eight-feet tall and weighs 500 pounds. So it's mainly that -- that I truly just still don't understand what this job is or why I had it.

I also have not received a paycheck and every time I try to talk to Mr. Trump about it he screams "GO AWAY" at me.

Do You Think You Were Adequately Equipped to Do Your Job Well?

Oh, absolutely not, no, I was very, very bad and that was obvious to everyone I think. I was insanely not good at this.

What Was Your Relationship With Your Manager Like?

I would say bad? Yes, I think bad, very bad. Almost every day Mr. Trump would knock on my door and tell me that he wished I was never born. For the first few weeks I would laugh because I thought it was a silly thing to say and that he just had a dry sense of humor or something. He would see me laugh and he would say "No Sean, I mean it," and I would laugh harder and then he would say, "I am dead serious about this and I'm going to put the best scientists in the world on figuring out how to do it" and I would lose it. Then I saw him talking to a bunch of scientists in the oval office and he was asking them if it was possible to "Go back and make Sean not born," and I realized he was maybe not kidding around.

And Your Relationship With Those You Managed?

Wait, I managed people?

What Did You Like Most About Your Job?

I liked riding around in the planes and helicopters, that was cool. If Mr. Trump was on the plane, though, he would make me go inside a big suitcase in the cargo bay and he'd kick the side of it until we landed.

What Did You Dislike Most About Your Job?

The podium. I asked them again and again to please get me a new podium and they would always tell me no. Mine was all cut up and it would give me slivers every time I went up there. Just bad, old wood.

Also everyone started this joke that I looked like a sausage -- I don't think I look like a sausage but they all would call me "Sausage face" and "Sausage Boy" and "Mr. Salami" and would say "Nice casing, Sausage boy" if I wore a new suit. I tried to ignore it to make it go away but nobody ever stopped.

What Skills and Qualifications Do You Think We Need to Look for in Your Replacement?

I think just really, anyone who hates poor people and is white and a man would be good.

Sorry if I'm being short. I only just found out an hour ago that The Lord of The Ringsisn't real.

Would you recommend this company to a friend as a place to work?

I would highly recommend the job to anyone who likes being yelled at and thinks that being told to chug 20 Diet Cokes at a state dinner to "impress foreign dignitaries" sounds good. I loved it, and I will miss this place.

Any Final Thoughts?

Since day one, I have set out to be remembered as someone who is very bad at what they do and I am proud of my work.

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